Copyright 2012 Stacey Chernin

Introduction

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Couples often go through times in their relationships that are not all the best that life can bring.  However, it is in these uncertain times that an individual or party in the relationship begins to wonder if the relationship can make it through thick and thin without falling apart entirely.

Whether it be because of outside influences or just conflicts of interest in the relationship due to neglect, stress, substance abuse, lack of communication, infidelity, children, and other causes that can affect a relationship severely it is important that you know that sometimes when you feel as if you have lost all hope-that there is help out there.

Couples counseling  or therapy is associated with a stigma- However couples counseling has done wonders to salvage millions of relationships that would otherwise be passed up to ‘foolish pride’ and the ignorance to acknowledge the numerous benefits of undergoing couples counseling and therapy to help improve the relationship in many facets.

It is true that every relationship is unique, and so are the circumstances surrounding the two very different participants in the relationship. Sometimes when life takes us aback, we need outside assistance in regaining our perspectives, looking at things in a light which can help us through the darkness. This is what couples therapy and couples counseling accomplishes.

Couples counseling is offered to provide a couple with guidance, mediation, and provide the client(s) with perspectives to attain their ultimate goals in the relationship.

There is a stigma associated with couples who seek counseling and therapy services through a licensed professional, however on the brighter side of things- couples therapy has indeed been proven effective for salvaging 56% of relationships.

On this note- if you are willing to put forth the effort to salvage the relationship or make it stronger then couples therapy may just provide you with more benefits that you assume that it could. Your best bet is to gather as much information as humanly possible on therapy and counseling services and to also realize that counseling takes a bit of effort on both parties of the relationships part.

Going into your counseling sessions with insight and knowledge about what goes on with the therapist can help you take the best opportunity and advantage out of the assistance that a couple’s counselor can give you.

The purpose of this guide is to provide you with such essential insight and knowledge as to the many benefits of couple’s counseling/marriage counseling and what you should expect after the course of action has been pursued.

Once you are better equipped with an arsenal of information on how couples counseling works and how it can help you, then you can begin your journey to repair, maintain, and strengthen your relationship.

Couples Counseling

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What is Couples Counseling?

“Couples therapy, also referred to as couple and family therapy and family systems therapy, is a branch of psychotherapy related to relationship counseling that works with families and couples in intimate relationships to nurture change and development. It tends to view these in terms of the systems of interaction between family members.”

“It emphasizes family relationships as an important factor in psychological health. As such, family problems have been seen to arise as an emergent property of systemic interactions, rather than to be blamed on individual members. Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) are the most specifically trained in this type of psychotherapy.”

Now to Overcome the Stigma that has tainted and foreshadowed the imminent negativity associated with consulting a therapist to help your relationship or marriage.

THINK OF IT THIS WAY:

Couple’s counseling is based on the premise that individuals and their problems are best handled within the context of the couple’s relationship. Typically, both partners in the relationship attend the counseling session to discuss the couple’s specific issues. The aim of couple’s counseling is to help a couple deal appropriately with their immediate problems and to learn better ways of relating in general.

Couples therapy or couple’s counseling is a useful modality of help for couples who are experiencing difficulties such as repetitive arguments, feelings of distance or emptiness in the relationship, pervasive feelings of anger, resentment and or dissatisfaction or lack of interest in affection or in a physical relationship with one another.¹

According to the 2000 Census the majority of American society chose to reside or live with a partner. 52% of US households are maintained by married couples, and there is an increase in the number of couples living together from 3.3 million in 1990 to 5.5 million in 2000.² Nationwide in 2000, there were 21,000 marriage and family therapists helping couples work through and deal with their relationship issues.³

In a review of the literature through mid-1996, Pinsof, Wynne, and Hambright (1996: Pinsof & Wynne, 1995) concluded that significant data exists support the efficacy of family and couples therapy and that there is no evidence indicating that couples are harmed when they undergo treatment.⁴

Research outcomes on couples counseling suggest the following:

• At the end of couple’s therapy, 75% of couples receiving therapy are better off than similar couples who did not receive therapy.
• Sixty five percent of couples report “significant” improvement based on averaged scores of marital “satisfaction.”
• Most couples will benefit from therapy, but both spouses will not necessarily experience the same outcomes or benefits.
• Therapies that produce the greatest gain and are able to maintain that gain over the long amount of time, tend to affect the couple’s emotional bonds and help the spouse’s work together to achieve a greater level of “differentiation” or emotional maturity.⁵

Couples today feel increasingly isolated and are expected to manage their lives and families without the community supports that in the past were a primary resource in raising children and meeting family needs. Couples in our present culture are less bound by family traditions and are freer than ever before to develop relationships unlike those of the families that they were raised in.⁷

With the aid of a qualified clinician, couples can bring peace, stability and communication back into their relationship thus affecting their lives and the lives of those most impacted by them and their relationship.

References from this segment:

1. Center for Addiction and Mental Health. Couple therapy: Factors influencing a couple’s relationship. Available at http://www.camh.net/about_addiction_mental_health/couple_therapy_factors.html
2. US Census (2000). Available at http://www.census.gov/
3. US Department of Labor (2000), Bureau of Labor Statistics. Available at http://www.bls.gov/home.htm
4. Friedlander, M. (1997) The scientific basis of couples and family therapy research. Allyn and Bacon: Boston.
5. Wills, R.M (2001) Effectiveness of therapy. Available at http://www.marriagetherapy.org/dssbhmarriage127.html.
6. Consumer Reports (1995) Available at http://www.consumerreports.org/main/home.jsp?source=DG&AFFID=S145MC0
7. Carter B., McGoldrick M., (1989), The expanded family life cycle; Individual, family, and social perspectives. Allyn and Bacon: Boston.

 

The Benefits and Advantages of Couple’s Counseling

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Couples therapy, or marriage counseling, is generally provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus — a couple’s relationship.

Couples therapy can be short term. You may need only a few sessions to help you weather a crisis. Or you may need couples therapy for several months, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated. As with individual psychotherapy, you typically see a marriage counselor or therapist once a week.

Illness, infidelity, sex, anger, communication problems — all can contribute to distress in marriages or other relationships. Marriage counseling or couples counseling can help resolve conflicts and heal wounds.

Your partner comes home from work, makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet and then sulks off silently. You haven’t had a real conversation for weeks. A few arguments over money or late nights out, sure, but no heart-to-hearts. Sex? What’s that?

Your relationship is on the rocks, and you both know it. But you aren’t sure how to fix things — or if you really want to.

It may be time for couples therapy or marriage counseling. Couples therapy can help you rebuild your relationship. Or decide that you’ll both be better off if you split up. Either way, couples therapy can help you understand your relationship better and make well-thought-out decisions.

A recent New York Times article indicated that on average a married couple seeks therapy after the relationship has been in trouble for six years. Imagine you have a broken leg and you don’t attend to it by seeing a physician for six years. Now consider another recent study that found that two-thirds of divorcing couples never sought therapy before calling it quits. This study is shocking because it seems to suggest they didn’t really give their marriage a fair chance by working with a professional.

For many couples, the thought of going to therapy is daunting, not just because they will be discussing their most private emotions and thoughts (including sexual ones), but because it feels like admitting failure. Many people wrongly think being in love shouldn’t take work. After all, it’s supposed to be “happily ever after” not “happily ever after… with weekly therapy.” However, ask any happily married couple what the secret to their marital bliss is and they will admit it takes plenty of work and commitment.

Therapy can be a very useful tool in this process, especially if you and your partner continually seem to have the same argument or experience the same issues.

Maintaining a marriage and solving problems within the marriage takes skills. Relationship skills that few of us naturally possess. We may feel like we have exhausted all options, but a marriage counselor can be of great benefit in teaching problem solving skills and how to ask for our needs to be met.

Below is a list of marriage counseling benefits:

You will learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. In marriage counseling

You will learn communication skills that will help you not only listen to your spouse but, to also process what your spouse is saying.

You will learn how to state your needs clearly and openly without resentment or anger.

You will learn how to be assertive without being offensive. Both spouses need to be able to talk about their issues without fear of hurting the other spouse. In marriage counseling you will learn that you can get what you need without having to make demands and engage in conflict.

You will learn to process and work through unresolved issues. Marriage counseling offers a safe environment for expressing any unhappiness you feel. Getting your feelings out into the open with the help of a trained professional may be all you need. You may find that your spouse is more than willing to work together to solve the problems in the marriage.

Relationship skills needed to maintain a fulfilling marriage can be learned. A marriage counselor can teach you those skills while monitoring your progress, mediating conflict and giving objective feedback; find the right balance between empathically (not passively) listening and active and skillful engagement, without being intimidating. If the latter balance can be accomplished, a trusting relationship (necessary for good therapy) can be developed with the couple.

If you wait too long to seek couples counseling the odds are against you. Even if you feel it is too late and no amount of counseling will help the only way to know for sure is to seek professional help. Doing so will keep you from making a mistake you will later regret.

If you are thinking about divorce, protect yourself from future regret by working with a marriage counselor. I cannot only help you come to terms with whether or not to divorce but can also teach you the skills needed in any future relationships should you decide to leave the marriage.

The key is seeking therapy before it is too late, before the only thing holding the relationship together is a shared last name and mutual belongings. The type of therapy you choose is also very important.

Sex therapy is a good choice for couples who seem to primarily experience disconnect in the bedroom, such as those who want to reignite their spark or those who want to rebuild intimacy after infidelity. For those who want to work on other aspects of their relationships- acceptance therapy encourages couples to embrace each other’s flaws and learn to understand them (as opposed to trying to fix the flaws) as well as attachment therapy which urges each couple to express their emotional needs to create a safe connection.

For example, instead of becoming enraged that your partner forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again, you would learn how to accept and understand that he is forgetful. You could also learn how to celebrate this part of his personality, such as by seeing his forgetfulness as part of his spontaneity. Couples need to learn how to hear and understand viewpoints that differ from their own. There are many useful ways to do this. Set up a complimentary appointment to find out how.

Can you benefit from couples therapy or marriage counseling?Most marriages and other relationships aren’t perfect. Each person brings his or her own ideas, values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they don’t always match their partner’s. Those differences don’t necessarily mean your relationship is bound for conflict. To the contrary, differences can be complementary – you know the saying about opposites attracting. These differences can also help people understand, respect and accept opposing views and cultures.

But relationships can be tested. Differences or habits that you once found endearing may grate on your nerves after time together. Sometimes specific issues, such as an extramarital affair or loss of sexual attraction, trigger problems in a relationship. Other times, there’s a gradual disintegration of communication and caring.

No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can create undue stress, tension, sadness, worry, fear and other problems. You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own. But left to fester, a bad relationship may only worsen and eventually lead to physical or psychological problems, such as depression. A bad relationship can also create problems on the job and affect other family members or even friendships as people feel compelled to take sidesnt

Domestic violence
Couples therapy may also be of help in cases of domestic violence or abuse. However, if the abuse or violence has escalated to the point that you fear for your safety or that of your children, consider contacting the police or a local shelter or crisis center. Don’t rely on marriage counseling alone to resolve these problems.

Strengthening bonds
You don’t need to have a troubled relationship to seek therapy. Marriage counseling can also help couples who simply want to strengthen their bonds and gain a better understanding of each other. Marriage counseling can also help couples who plan to get married. This pre-marriage counseling can help you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and iron out differences before a union is sealed.

How do you choose a marriage counselor?

Take care when choosing a marriage counselor or therapist. Not all are licensed or certified, or have specialized training in couples counseling.Look for a marriage counselor who is a licensed mental health professional. Many marriage counselors are specifically designated as licensed marriage and family therapists (L.M.F.T.s). Licensing and credentialing requirements can vary by state. But most states require advanced training, including a master’s or doctoral degree, graduate training in marriage and family therapy, and training under the supervision of other experts. Many marriage and family therapists choose to become credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), which sets specific eligibility criteria.